it's ticking...

As I sat down on my bed, staring blankly on my computer and noticing that on a Friday night, I am alone in this room, alone in messenger..with no one else "onboard the same ship of loneliness as I am". I start to resent myself..why should I? As the saying goes "it isn't the load that weighs us down- it's the way we carry it"

I'm in a satisfying relationship..at least that is what I should feel, I'm with a man I wanted so much to be with and he is what I expected him to be, a simple nice man. It has to be my biological clock ticking furiously, I couldn't deal with the fact he isn't interested in marriage and the ultimate...babies. It doesn't matter to me we haven't even date for a year, but when I think about him, I wish at that moment we can be cradling our own flesh.

I am just being truthful, although the truth might scare most men away, I wasn't afraid to let him know this is what exactly I want. Like the Chinese saying goes "understanding a women's heart is like a needle at the bottom of the ocean" - well, just my direct translation - but instead I was very direct about it although I think damages would have been done when man of such fear over marriage were told such confessions. So, indeed, it didn't help me one bit. I felt he took it like a joke, or just his way of laughing it off nicely instead of getting furious.

I could sit there and cry when this feeling creeps over me. This is the result when:
a)you can't talk to him about it though it bothers you
b)you know it is pointless and all you need is patience (ie 3 years)
c)you feel insecure as he's not so crazy about you anymore
d)you know there are other(s) waiting for you and is more eager than he is
e)you feel God has given you a cross-junction and you do not know have you chosen the right path

I hate to cry over this alone. I never need to cry in my previous relationship. I feel that over time, as I grow older, my decisions weigh a tonne. I carry with my decisions, a whole lot of responsibilities and tears along with it. Is it a lesson for not appreciating the gifts that comes to me which I have nicely pushed away?

When will I see the light at the tunnel? When will I discover that I can be contented without the need for a man and a child? And that many people in need of my love are out there..the refugees, the poor and the marginalised..can I bloody channel my love to them instead..where they will soak up my love like a dry sponge?
God, give me grace and wisdom in this.

First fancy dinner

After 6 months of courtship, I was finally taken out for a fancy dinner on Saturday. He came back from the whole process of renewing his visa and had to take a flight from here to his new place of work in a faraway country, so we spent about a day together. Ever since he worked there, I had to spend weekends alone or out with friends, meeting up for dinner etc. I wouldn't say I mind the loneliness, loneliness is just the attitude of the mind. I have too many a things to do though he isn't in the same country nowadays.

Anyway back to my first fancy dinner with him, we went for a movie, 150 minutes long on Saturday evening. After which we took a lesuirely walk from the cinema to a cluster of fancy restaurants about 20mins walk away. He wanted Italian cuisine that night, I was reluctant after checking out its simple menu and exorbitant prices, but he insisted, something very rare about him! It was a highlight in our relationship..or a milestone for me because my darling never believe in wasting money in a commercial sense. We enjoyed the dinner, but still I think we are already used to the privacy at home, away from the madding crowd and hustle and bustle, nevertheless the restaurant was far from crowded,a wee bit too quiet but romantically incandescent with simple interiors,just the perfect candlelight dinner for us as we were cladded casually rather than fancifully. I had a tenderloin beef steak, medium rare, while he had a seafood pasta (not sure what was it called). It was a warm fuzzy feeling when I see how comfortable he is with me, digging into my food and asking for a bite when I had my steak sliced. Being together means more when you are not constrained and not binded by any rules, be it obligatory or not. I didn't want to order wine as we had bottles at home in the fridge, so he followed suit, but I think he was madly craving for alcohol as he repeated assured me that the meal would taste better paired with wine. We finished the meal with a tiramisu. After that we promptly left, being the customer with the fastest turnaround time from what I can tell. The chemistry we shared was great, I couldn't thank God for bringing me to this great discovery. I want to put this down in words and hope I can look back many months or years later to feel the same about him. I know it isn't easy, but deep inside I feel 99% sure it is possible that it will be so.

Till I post again, hope all's well. Take care. Good nite.

myweeklongcookbook

Have roughly figured out the week's dinner (eat-in):

Soups
Day 1 - ABC Soup [half chicken,carrot,2potatoes,2onions,pepper]
Day 2 - Lotus root soup [lotus root,300g porkribs, red dates]
Day 3 - White radish soup [1 radish,300g porkribs,red dates,dried oyster]
Day 4 - nil
Day 5 - Fishball, vege & egg/tanghoon soup

Main course
Day 1 - Claypot chicken rice/long bean rice
Day 2 - Rice with steamed eggs(chicken eggs,salted egg & century egg) and stir fried vege
Day 3 - Fried rice w corns, hotdogs, shredded salad
Day 4 - Spaghetti -aglio olio and a mushroom with cream side dish
Day 5 - Rice with mixed vege dish

Breakfast
Day 2 - sandwich - cucumber/tomato and cheese
Day 3 - sandwich - eggs w mayo/butter and cucumber
Day 4 - sandwich - ham w tomato & salad
Day 5 - peanut butter jelly

Daily take-to-office - Red dates juice / fragant pear w white fungus

Sunday news from my room

Woke up with a throbbing headache. This headache has been bugging me the past 3 weeks. I had it every single day including weekends when my brain usage is almost next to zero. It must be my eye sight, the tiny little cyst pressing against my eyeball, a little growth there places immense pressure to our delicate eyeball. I would need to count my blessing if that is the cause of it, nothing more serious or deathly.

I met up with Stanley for lunch today, took him for a tour around my home and the mall downstairs. He must be quite a looker judging from the eyes fixtated at him especially from young girls( I usually don't get that much stares when I walk around with someone else). I've never been gorgeous so never would have guys along the street admiring me with eye contact!bummer.. I'm glad K isn't a looker because I rather be secure with the fact I like how he looks but not everyone else. I never share the conventional idealism of how a perfect man should look like, my preference of an ideal guy's appearance is never the same with most other ladies I know. I'm pretty much a primitive woman, going for that deep voice and broad shoulders, the square jawlines and strong hands and probably carrying much facial hair. I need to stand next to a man to know if I would ever find him interesting, it's what I feel within when he is near. Androgynous guys, pretty guys, thin ones, those with silken skin never appeal to me historically. It's as if I'm looking for a man that is tall and huge enough to fight a lion, kill it and shoulder it back to me as dinner.

Men..can I live without one?

Rice bowl

Stastistically, I slept about 6.5 hours a day, work about 12 hours commute about 1 hour, leaving me about 4.5hours for things other than WORK. Is that the life I want? Yes, if the hours I put in contributes positively into my personal achievement and I know that I'm appreciated for the efforts, or at least I see results from those hours poured in. Otherwise, overworking simply drains me if I feel overutilised but under-appreciated, more so if the environment is such that unethical work etiquette and there are no clear segregation of duties or proper internal controls to ensure every procedure is carried out meticulously and according to the standard operating procedures as set out in the manual/guide/etc.

How I really wish, like millions of others, that I hit the jackpot, start my own business and build a comfortable nest in this huge little metropolitan.

As I sat here wide awake at 3 in the morning after a hectic week of work on this faithful day that I receive my pathetic pay increment, I hope I could force out some emotion from this hardened soul of mine. Deep inside, I felt my throat choking with unheard cries and a tonne of dissatisfaction, but there were no tears or voices of anger emitted from yours truly to lighten the load on recessed ego.

I honestly despise the working culture of Asia, I still harbour dreams of getting into a company that promotes it self as employer of choice, of which most local companies would never dream of bringing that idea of putting employees first.

Enough of badgering on the corporate life. I would like to toast to A that he may and will find a better job so S would not need to worry about him. And a prayer to God that He will lead and guide K in his life's direction. And with Your blessings, I hope things will turnaround and the road (life) ahead will be straighter with no rocky path or hump or frequent crossjunctions.

Have I told you..

Have I told you
Had tomorrow not come
Had I not see you anymore
Nor hear from you anymore
That I truly miss you

As your finger touches my skin, I could still feel the tingle, the excitement, the euphoria, the ectacsy of being in cloud nine. I still do till this very day. As you lay asleep next to me, I could stare at the sight of you sleeping peacefully, undisturbed and oh,so calm. Admiring your strong jaws, your lined forehead and slightly unkempt goatee as your mind rest in slumberland.

The Metaphor

Today is the day that started it all. I am backdating this post to January 12. A day that will mark my anniversaries from now on. The whole day's event was very vague, but I remembered that it was a Saturday and that I was working, extra busy with the year-end closing. Reached home at about 5, and before I get the chance to shower, he is already at the door step. My always-lovely-always-energetic housemates were busy cooking up a storm in the kitchen but S feeling obliged, led him into playing Xbox. I was immensely shy still, but I just had to be..myself. After my quick shower and noting that dinner is still not ready, we went downstairs for coffee. Before long, we were all seated in the dinner table with my housemates, A&S and their good old friend, W, S's cousin and her partner, and S's colleague later into the night. We chatted and played Wii throughout the night, it was really fun and bonded me and him alot. At about 2, he received a call from home, but I can clearly tell he isn't interested to leave yet. Somehow between breaks, both of us managed to squeeze into my room and we started to talk personally. It must have been the influence of alcohol and perhaps some "charm" in the food that A cooked (as A claimed), he started to lean forward to peck my lips. I remembered being shocked, but in a pleasant demeanor. Before long, we were hugging one another, unwilling to let go of someone I've been wanting for so long, yet I do not understand or was not able to uncover the science of attraction. But it was an answered prayer. And I couldn't thank the Lord more. He still had to leave for home and promised he will spend more time with me next. Months after as I write this, I can only say I love this man more and more with each passing day, and as I slowly evolve into this relationship, I began to understand what it means that when you love, you accept every flaw that comes with him with a open heart. Acceptance is a very big part that contributes to the success of a relationship. XOXO