it's ticking...

As I sat down on my bed, staring blankly on my computer and noticing that on a Friday night, I am alone in this room, alone in messenger..with no one else "onboard the same ship of loneliness as I am". I start to resent myself..why should I? As the saying goes "it isn't the load that weighs us down- it's the way we carry it"

I'm in a satisfying relationship..at least that is what I should feel, I'm with a man I wanted so much to be with and he is what I expected him to be, a simple nice man. It has to be my biological clock ticking furiously, I couldn't deal with the fact he isn't interested in marriage and the ultimate...babies. It doesn't matter to me we haven't even date for a year, but when I think about him, I wish at that moment we can be cradling our own flesh.

I am just being truthful, although the truth might scare most men away, I wasn't afraid to let him know this is what exactly I want. Like the Chinese saying goes "understanding a women's heart is like a needle at the bottom of the ocean" - well, just my direct translation - but instead I was very direct about it although I think damages would have been done when man of such fear over marriage were told such confessions. So, indeed, it didn't help me one bit. I felt he took it like a joke, or just his way of laughing it off nicely instead of getting furious.

I could sit there and cry when this feeling creeps over me. This is the result when:
a)you can't talk to him about it though it bothers you
b)you know it is pointless and all you need is patience (ie 3 years)
c)you feel insecure as he's not so crazy about you anymore
d)you know there are other(s) waiting for you and is more eager than he is
e)you feel God has given you a cross-junction and you do not know have you chosen the right path

I hate to cry over this alone. I never need to cry in my previous relationship. I feel that over time, as I grow older, my decisions weigh a tonne. I carry with my decisions, a whole lot of responsibilities and tears along with it. Is it a lesson for not appreciating the gifts that comes to me which I have nicely pushed away?

When will I see the light at the tunnel? When will I discover that I can be contented without the need for a man and a child? And that many people in need of my love are out there..the refugees, the poor and the marginalised..can I bloody channel my love to them instead..where they will soak up my love like a dry sponge?
God, give me grace and wisdom in this.

The Metaphor

Today is the day that started it all. I am backdating this post to January 12. A day that will mark my anniversaries from now on. The whole day's event was very vague, but I remembered that it was a Saturday and that I was working, extra busy with the year-end closing. Reached home at about 5, and before I get the chance to shower, he is already at the door step. My always-lovely-always-energetic housemates were busy cooking up a storm in the kitchen but S feeling obliged, led him into playing Xbox. I was immensely shy still, but I just had to be..myself. After my quick shower and noting that dinner is still not ready, we went downstairs for coffee. Before long, we were all seated in the dinner table with my housemates, A&S and their good old friend, W, S's cousin and her partner, and S's colleague later into the night. We chatted and played Wii throughout the night, it was really fun and bonded me and him alot. At about 2, he received a call from home, but I can clearly tell he isn't interested to leave yet. Somehow between breaks, both of us managed to squeeze into my room and we started to talk personally. It must have been the influence of alcohol and perhaps some "charm" in the food that A cooked (as A claimed), he started to lean forward to peck my lips. I remembered being shocked, but in a pleasant demeanor. Before long, we were hugging one another, unwilling to let go of someone I've been wanting for so long, yet I do not understand or was not able to uncover the science of attraction. But it was an answered prayer. And I couldn't thank the Lord more. He still had to leave for home and promised he will spend more time with me next. Months after as I write this, I can only say I love this man more and more with each passing day, and as I slowly evolve into this relationship, I began to understand what it means that when you love, you accept every flaw that comes with him with a open heart. Acceptance is a very big part that contributes to the success of a relationship. XOXO